I haven’t written anything in a while as I’ve had this feeling of being a bit lost lately. My faith in God has not wavered, but I feel as though He has been silent. And the silence makes me uncomfortable. In the quiet is when our fears can begin to prey upon us. Am I still hearing Him? Am I still good enough? Where are you Lord? Have I failed?

I’ll be completely honest with you. I feel as though I have failed Him. And the enemy has used this to attack me. Not saying that God doesn’t love me, but how can God use me? I know that God uses mighty imperfect people, but I am not mighty enough to be one of them. I don’t spend enough time talking to God. I don’t spend enough time in the Word. I can’t even decide on what church to go to. How could I ever become the kind of failure that God could use?

It wasn’t until this last Sunday that I heard God rebuke the lies the of the enemy. Do we look for God after the failure? It was a question I already knew the answer to, but do I really? I read a quote recently from The Office that I haven’t been able to shake, “Not everything’s a lesson. Sometimes you just fail.” Sometimes I do just fail.

There’s not always some big aha moment. There’s not always a wonderful lesson to be learned or shared. I just simply fail. But what do I do afterwards? Do I sit and let the enemy speak lies to me? Do I make covenant with him in agreeing that I am a useless failure? Or do I look to the One who created me? Do I seek out the loving grace of my Father who tells me that it’s okay that I failed today? Where do we go?

I would say tomorrow is a new day and while it is, it’s a new day to fail as well. I love Lamentations 3:22 – 23, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassion’s never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Every day it is new, because it must be. We are imperfect people.

The lies that the enemy has whispered to me don’t matter to God. Does He want me to speak more often to Him? Yes! Would He like it if I spent more time in His word? Of course! Does He want me in church? Absolutely! However, none of these things are detrimental to my relationship with Him or His ability to use me.

I have failed Him every day of my life and will continue to do so. I must simply remember to look to Him and for Him after I do. Whether in the big life lesson fails or in the daily just because failings!

Do you ever have those days where you wake up super early and just can’t go back to sleep? I had that this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and was wide awake. I looked on my phone for a bit before pulling out my devotional to focus on the Lord a little bit. The words mentioned a windy path behind us and for some reason my mind took me to the mountains.

I thought of when I first started learning to ski. As children they told me to “make a pizza” with my ski’s. They don’t take you up the mountain, but rather up a hill. When I “graduated’ from ski school I remember being so excited to go up the mountain. When we finally made it to the top you’re given choices of difficultly for your slopes. You start with green, work your way up to blue and eventually, if you’re confident enough, you go down a black diamond.

I remember not enjoying it. The people around me were going too fast. My mom would tell me to take long, wide turns. To find a rhythm and take my time going down. It didn’t matter which kind of slope I was on. If it pointed down the mountain it terrified me. The only part I enjoyed were the flat parts that nobody could fly past me. As a kid, my mom accidentally took my brother and I on a black diamond. We didn’t even bother. We simply kicked off our skis and scooted on our butt’s down the mountain.

I say all this to say that it reminds me so much of our relationship with God. As children learning, He won’t take us up on the mountain until He knows we’re ready. Once we’ve “graduated”, then it’s time to go up. Like skiing, you go up the mountain only to come back down and to go right back up again. Up and down, up and down. I loved the ski lift and going up the mountain. It was such a breathtaking sight. And just like the lift, God carries us up to the mountain top. There, we’re able to take in all His majesty.

When you get there, there are signs all over the place to point you in the right direction. Every path is clearly defined by a color to let you know how difficult it will be. Just like God gives us signs, words, scriptures and so on, to let us know what lies ahead. Some of us like to go slow, terrified of the slope even though it’s not steep at all. Some of us like to fly to the bottom, possibly taking one or two others down in the process. Some of us like to find a rhythm, taking long turns slowing working our way down. Some of us even give up and sit on our butts and scoot the whole way down.

The truth is that we must go down the mountain. You see, I may have enjoyed the flat part of the mountain, but it didn’t go anywhere, and I had to work twice as hard to get anywhere because there’s no momentum to propel you forward. If I don’t choose a path that takes me down the mountain, no matter how hard or scary it is, I won’t really get anywhere and if I do reach my destination I’m too worn out to do it again.

There is nothing like being on the mountain top. In a literal and spiritual sense. Don’t be afraid of the journey down. It will be hard and different paths will be harder than others. Just remember that it doesn’t matter how you get down, but rather that you simply go.

 

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

*Side note: My son came in my bed as I was saying this into the voice recorder on my phone so I didn’t forget it. He came in a few minutes later having drawn it out for me.

I’m going to be very honest with you. The last few days I feel as though I have been failing at life. My husband has been gone now for only 15 days. That sounds so short, but it feels so long. I am exhausted. I feel so drained. When I got home in the afternoon after getting kids to and from VBS and work and then lunch with friends, I was ready to climb into bed. That’s precisely what I did too. I plugged in my laptop and worked from the comfort of my bed. After a little while, my son came into my room with his jeans covered in ketchup. I went upstairs to see the damage and sure enough, there is bright red ketchup all over my white rug. I lost it.

By the time my kids were in their rooms, I was on the verge of tears. I immediately grab my phone because I need to talk to my best friend who lives in all the way in Georgia. I tell her I’m about to cry and sure enough, the tears come. I’m failing. I know they didn’t mean to get ketchup on my rug. It’s only a rug. But a culmination of the stresses of life have boiled to its final explosion. And now I’m crying because I reacted the way I did.

I told her that I’m beyond drained. My house is a disaster. I don’t feel good. I have needed to change the oil in my car for over a week now. I have absolutely no food in my house at all but haven’t had a chance to go to the grocery store. My rent check was late. My allergy to my dog has flared up. I need just a few minutes to myself. I am physically drained. I am emotionally drained. I mentioned that I had a Bible study to go to in the morning and that’s when I realized, I’m spiritually drained.

When I ended my video to her, I thought to myself I need to pray about everything I’m feeling. I haven’t yet. I have listened to worship, but I’ve gotten so accustomed to putting it on in the background that I almost don’t even hear it anymore. What good is that doing me? When my phone goes off, I put the thought to pray to the back of my mind as I’m more interested in hearing from my friend. Shame on me. What can she do for me other than pray? Something tangible she says. I’m convicted again because I still haven’t prayed. Prayer is tangible.

As I’m praying I tell God that I need my husband home. I need God to help me get through. I feel Him correct me. No, I don’t need my husband home, I want him home. There is a difference. I do however need God. The way that I feel is something that can only be healed by Him. He created my body and is the only One who can speak to it. He is the only One that can fill the void that I’m feeling. He is the only One that can give me rest. I prayed knowing that if I spend time with Him, He will refresh my soul. And in my soul being refreshed, my spirit will be. And with my spirit will come my body.

Tomorrow is a new day.

 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

I have been struggling trying to find a way to start this blog for a few days. I knew what I felt led to write about but could not find the right way to start it. But God (I love when I get to use that phrase) was gracious enough to reveal it to me this past Sunday. I sat in Sunday School and the teacher opened with the scripture from Romans 5 saying “we glory in tribulations”. The question was asked of how often do we really rejoice in our tribulations?

The definition of glory is “adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving”. We so often confuse that with rejoicing meaning we must be joyful and glad, but, we must simply praise and worship God through them. It’s fitting for me since exactly 3 years ago, God challenged me with just that. As I struggled with understanding what was happening with my youngest child, God asked me if I could praise Him through it.

I recently found a new song called “Isaac” by Hollyn. It is special to me since I identify so strongly to Abraham with Virginia being my Isaac. In the song she sings, “I have loved him before you have.” I think about Abraham’s internal struggle as he bound his son and laid him on the altar. I think about God telling Abraham that He loved Isaac far before Abraham did. And I believe in that Abraham found the strength to praise God during that tribulation.

My mind wanders back to my own internal struggle. My unwillingness to let go of my daughter and give her back to the God who loved her before I did. I didn’t understand Romans 5:3 or rather I didn’t want to. How could I rejoice or find joy in my circumstance? But God released me from the misunderstanding and explained to me that I must only praise Him.

My circumstances did not change. My daughter’s life was still in question. The doctors could still give us no real answers. All we could do was wait. But as I was able to “glory” in the waiting. I found hope just as Romans 5:4 said I would. The definition of hope is “to believe, desire or trust”. I believed that God would take care of her. I desired to praise Him. I trusted that all things would work out exactly as He intended.

Whatever trial you face, do not worry about being joyful through it. In fact, it’s okay to be broken and sorrowful. But take your sorrow to your Father and turn it into praise. We glory in the tribulation so that we may rejoice with Him afterward.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

This morning hit me a little harder than I expected. I have been preparing for this day for months now. I have been talking about it like it was nothing. We’ve been apart many times before, so why would this time be any different? For those of you that don’t know, my husband is in the military. Today is a day we have been preparing for. However, I was not prepared for my children’s reactions. I suppose they were all too young to understand his absence in the past.

My son was upset last night and wanted to pray for my husband while he’s gone. This morning my oldest daughter was attached to daddy’s leg and wouldn’t let go. I can’t begin to tell you the emotions that flowed through me as I was caught off guard.

I am mentally prepared to handle the task ahead, but I do not look forward to it. I take comfort in knowing that this will be of short duration compared to the past. Much of my struggles come a feeling of a lack of community. Now I don’t want to discount the wonderful friends that I do have, but comparatively it’s not the same as it had been in the past.

My husband and I have been desperately searching for a church community to belong to as we did back in Lafayette. We have found something in the interim, at least for me, but relationships have not been formed. I do find it interesting though that this past Sunday they spoke on exactly that. Community. He spoke on Acts 17 and how when the difficult times came, people always got Paul out of harms way. They helped him.

As I look forward to what the coming weeks bring, do I have that community? When the feelings of my short comings begin to drown me, do I have people to help? When the overwhelming stress of motherhood begins to drown me, who will help me escape? Who will point me back to the only One who can help me?

I’ve written before in the past about the importance of community. Exodus 17 clearly lies that out as when Moses grew tired, Aaron and Hur came beside him to raise up his arms. Yes, I have friends that I could call on, but I am missing a community of believers that to help hold me. We are meant to be in church for this purpose. To come beside and stand by one another through the hard times.

I can honestly say I never thought much of it, until I had one. I never knew the difference they could make. I miss them more than I could put into words. I look forward to finding a new one. I look with anticipation to the relationships that God will form for me so that next year, when my husband is deployed I will not have the same feeling that I do today. I look forward to finding my people.

Last week I had the blessing of going to see Hillsong United live. I’ll admit that I haven’t really listened to a lot of their music, but I did know a few of their songs. As I listened to this incredibly gifted group of individuals use their gifts to glorify God, I became overwhelmed. Our seats were off to the side, but close to the front. I had the perfect seat to scan and look out to the rest of the people that had gathered to worship alongside Hillsong.

The best way to describe it is to use a line from one of Hillsong’s own songs. The lyric is “so I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned”. A sea of people was standing for nearly the entirety of the 3-hour worship performance. Arms were raised high in praise of “the One who gave it all”. Hearts were abandoned as His glorious name was shouted out from among the people.

There would be breaks in between the singing and people from the crowd would cry out the name of Jesus. The tone one man’s voice I can hear even now. His deep voice was distinct from a crowd of hundreds as he gave glory to God. He wasn’t emotional, but rather strong and sure of his Savior. It was a stark contrast to the man that stood right in front of me. He stood the whole time, but rather than being moved by the atmosphere he chose to Facebook live the entire thing. He was never able to raise his arms or voice in praise.

I sat in my chair overwhelmed. Do I give confidence to others through the sureness and strength I have in my Savior? What do people see of me when I stand in the crowd? Have I abandoned my own self to glorify Him or am I distracted by things of the world? Am I a participant or a spectator? I challenge not only myself but you as well. Let’s put down the distractions of the world and be present in His presence.

Last week I was at Bible study. I was listening and taking notes when it hit just like it does every other time. I flipped as fast as I could to an empty page to write down what God showed me. My mom was teaching and said that we “bear His reflection, not by works but by relationship.”

Immediately I saw two synchronized swimmers. They are in the water doing their routine when one gets the timing off. It’s noticeable and distracting. One of the swimmers never messes up. The second swimmer looks to the first and gets back into the perfect timing of the performance. I am that second swimmer and God is the first.

I know the movements. The Bible has clearly choreographed the routine of my life. Those are the works. But God is my partner. Only when I know Him can we move in perfect synchronization. That is the relationship. I can know the movements and the routine, but only when we know each other can we begin to move in perfect synchronization. I must know when and how He moves to know that it’s time for me to move as well. It can only be through relationship.

I will get the timing off. It will be noticeable and distracting. But I simply look back to my Partner. He never misses or messes up. His performance is flawless.

Today was the closing date for our house. My husband and I had been looking for a house to buy for quite some time. I was on the verge of giving up hope on finding the right house and about to ask our landlord for another year’s lease. We were preparing to head out of town when I got an email about a new listing. I loved it immediately. I called my friend and told her to meet me there in 20 minutes so that we could look at it.

We made an offer and hit the road. For the next 7 hours we waited for a phone call. I had just begun to tell Jamin that we probably wouldn’t get it. As I was explaining this to him, my phone finally rang. “Congratulations! You just bought a house!” she said. All at once I was filled with joy and anxiety and fear and everything else that goes along with spending that amount of money.

It’s normal I told myself, this feeling of unease. I tried to ignore it and focus only on the excitement of buying a home. We rushed back to return in time for the inspection. Once that was completed, the feeling of worry only increased. Did we rush this? I’m not sure this is what God has for us. Some around me tried to put those thoughts to rest, but I couldn’t.

I remembered how a few weeks ago at a Bible study that we had studied about how specific God was for His people. I thought I’ll be specific with God then. I laid in my room by myself and began to pray. “God, I come before you as your beloved. I don’t want to do anything without your blessing, so I ask you to be specific through the authority granted to me as Your bride.” I asked Him to have them refuse to do any of the repairs we requested. I didn’t merely want them to negotiate one or two. I wanted them to say “no”.

A few hours later I got a text from my friend. She forwarded me the exact response from the sellers. They said that the house was an “as is” deal and they will not do any repairs and would only lower the cost by $1,000. Can I just stop here for a second and tell you how incredible that is? Even now as I type it I’m still amazed by God!!

There were no negotiations. God answered me exactly as I had asked. We happily and confidently walked away knowing we were in God’s perfect plan. Two days later we received another phone call. The sellers had decided to go ahead and do a few of the repairs and wanted to know if we were still interested. I laughed knowing the enemy was trying to tempt me.

So, I ask you, what do you need from God today? Have you asked Him for specifics? Claim the authority that has been given to you as His bride. He longs to show you that you are indeed His beloved. He will answer you and the joy you receive from knowing He hears you is overwhelming. Today is my closing day. I’ve closed on the lie that He doesn’t hear me. I’ve closed on the lie that some matters are too small for Him. Let today be your closing day.

Growing up, I loved getting into our little white volvo. My brother and I in the back with our dog, Nash, sticking his head out of the sunroof as my mom drove. She would turn on her music and blast it as we sang along. We would listen to Bonnie Raitt, Don McLean, Amy Grant and so on, but my favorite was always Bonnie Raitt. I turn on her music now as an adult and it’s as if I transport right back to that little girl in the back of the car.

The other day I was listening to music that was not by Bonnie Raitt, but a song called “Mine” by Hollyn. She sings about how I am His and He is mine. As I thought about the idea that not only does He claim me, but He is Mine as well it reminded of a Bonnie Raitt song. She has a song called “I Can’t Make You Love Me” which is about exactly what the title says it is. I can’t make you love me if you don’t.

Now my mom may get upset with me on this part, but that’s okay as she uses me in her teachings sometimes too. She used to always say that the song “I Can’t Make You Love Me” was her and my dad’s song. She would use this along with a line from the musical Funny Girl that the “groom was prettier than the bride.” She has always said that my dad was so good looking that she didn’t know how she got him. That she can’t make him love her. Naturally, this irritated my dad and eventually they did find a new song.

All this to say, that there’s nothing we could do to make God love us. We don’t deserve Him. There is nothing we could ever do that could win His love. What is the beauty of this? We don’t have to because He chooses us! I can’t make Him love me, but for a reason I will never understand, He does. I will never measure up to be worthy of Him. I will never be deserving of His love and yet He bestows it on me willingly, happily, perfectly.

As I sang along in my own car about how He is mine, I could only smile. I can’t make Him love me, but He is mine! My God belongs to me just as I belong to Him. He says in Isaiah 43:1 that “I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Ephesians 1:4 says, “For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world.” This is more than just a simple God loves you. He hand-picked you above all others to be His bride and has given Himself entirely to you in return. He doesn’t see the imperfect me that I see when I look in the mirror. He sees only beauty even though this Groom is far prettier than the bride.

When my husband and I moved back to the Dallas area, it was a very bittersweet feeling. Although I was happy to be moving back home, I was also sad to be leaving all the friends we had made in Lafayette. As time went on I was grateful that my husband was still in the Louisiana National Guard so that the kids and I could still occasionally tag along on his drill weekends. This past weekend was drill so we loaded up the car and made the drive.

The week before we left, I started reaching out to friends to make plans. Friday was blocked off for not only one of my closest friends, but Jones’ as well. Saturday, we got in a very quick visit with my husband’s aunt and cousin before we headed off to dinner with friends that just had a new baby. Sunday, I skipped the sermon and sat in the café with a wonderful friend and was surprised by another showing up, even if for just a few minutes.

When we got in the car on Tuesday to head back home, I could only think of how blessed I am. My soul felt replenished after visiting with so many wonderful friends. It reminded me of Genesis 2:18 that says, “it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” And while in context this is when God created Eve for Adam, it is also fitting of friendships.

It is not good for us to be alone. We need the community and conversation of other believers to lift and fill us back up. I walked with these people through some really difficult times. We have seen each other broken and we have seen each other soar! We have walked side by side encouraging each other through prayer and the Word. It forms a bond unlike any other.

It reminds me of my husband with his military buddies. They have been to war and back with each other. They have relied on one another to survive and to get each other home. It forms a bond of brotherhood that is lifelong. It is the same when we walk through the storms of life with other believers. We have gone through spiritual battles with one another and we have relied each other to survive.

God created Eve to be a helpmate for Adam. In the same sense that I am a help mate to my husband, I need friends to be a helpmate for me as well. To tell me when I am out of line in my marriage, to encourage me in the biblical raising of my children, to help me stay the course when I am struggling.

Romans 1:12 it tells us “that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.” When I was gathered with my friends, our conversations were about the things that God is doing in our lives. Both the good things and the hard things. We were able to encourage each other. My soul was refreshed by the conversation of God’s workings. I left more encouraged than when I arrived.

It is not good that man should be alone. Do not isolate yourself from the fellowship of other believers. Yes, the Word refreshes me. Yes, worship fills me back up. No, there is no one like Christ. But when we are continuously pouring out for our husbands, our children, our jobs, the church, there is nothing better than the sweet fellowship of other believers to refresh my soul. To remind me that I am not alone in this journey.

I’d also like to give a quick shout out to Tanya Gary. Why? She knows why.