Yesterday my husband and I celebrated 9 years of marriage. It has been 9 years of imperfection. 9 years of miscommunication. 9 years of selfishness. 9 years of struggle. 9 years of hardship and heartbreak. It is by the grace of God that we have made it this far.

I remember waking up very early one morning when we were living at my in-law’s house soon after we had moved to Louisiana. I remember getting my cup of coffee and walking down into the dark living room. I sat in the recliner with my Bible and my journal. I knew that God had promised to heal my marriage if I submitted to the God given authority of my husband. But things hadn’t changed. I cried that morning in the dark. I told God I couldn’t do it anymore. I was weary of trying to “fix” my marriage. I can still sense the relief I felt in that moment. That moment of quiet surrender to a Father who had been waiting for me to relinquish that burden.

Two weeks later, on an early Sunday morning in the same place where I had surrendered something happened and God broke our marriage. I was confused and hurt. I didn’t understand what God was doing. How could He do this when I had just surrendered to Him. In the coming days I would cry out to Him again and again. I felt empty and broken. I felt as though I had nothing left in me to give to my marriage. And with that I cried out that God would release me from it.

But God didn’t release me. I wanted so desperately to be done. Why would God allow this to happen? I did everything that He had told me to do. I had left everything and followed my husband as He had commanded me to do. I cried out asking Him “why?” Why is it happening? Why am I not released? All He would tell me is that this was not just happening to me, but for me as well. I didn’t know what that meant.

However, God is faithful and in our brokenness God soon began to put us back together. What had been shattered was starting to take the shape of something beautiful. He had to break what we had built to put us back together as He intended. Yes, these hard things were happening to me, but it was for my good that they were. God began to move in a very real way. Some changes were immediate, while others have taken time.

I read in a Bible study recently about the promised land. When God moved them out of the wilderness and into the promised land He told them where there was war, there will now be peace. Where there was conflict, there will now be resolution. I cling to that promise. We were in the wilderness for 8 years. God has now brought us to the promised land. And in our home where there was war, there is now peace. Where there was conflict, there is now resolution. I have hope for tomorrow because of this promise.

I thank God that He didn’t release me from my marriage and I’m glad everyday that I asked God first. I thought at the time it was the desire of my heart, but fortunately I have a Father who knows me better than I know myself. He knew the true desire of my heart was not to leave, but rather to have a successful marriage. I know now God didn’t release me, because He planned on giving that to me. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. 9 years of love. 9 years of joy. 9 years of learning. 9 years of compromise. 9 years of praying. But most importantly, 9 years of victory! They have been an imperfect 9 years, but it is a perfect imperfection!

Conviction. It’s a term that all Christians are familiar with. We throw it around casually as though it’s a small thing. Even the definition of the word makes it seem like a small matter. But to anyone that has felt the true crushing weight of it knows that it is no small thing.

Here I sit in the dark of my living room. Homework is done and kids are in bed. There’s laundry to be folded and dishes to be done, but I can’t seem to shake the weight enough to continue with the work. I spoke in the last post of transparency, so here it is: I’m convicted.

Our pastor this past Sunday issued a challenge to our church. That each member commit to pray 3 times a day for 3 minutes for God to reveal what barriers are in the way of us fulfilling our God given purpose. I accepted this challenge with great joy and ease. When Monday came around and it was time to pray, I was not prepared for what the Lord was going to show me. Barrier after barrier was revealed to me. I suppose in my naivety I thought it would be things I had placed as idols above Him. My family, tv, phone, friends, etc. I wasn’t prepared for was what He had to show me.

Pride. Judgmental. Self-Righteous. Insecure. These are not words that one would like to use to describe oneself but none the less, there they are. It’s not as though I can argue against them either. Just last night I acted in a way that boasted myself and judged another. I acted self-righteous. I couldn’t say that I had not. As the flood of conviction rushed over me, I felt flustered. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Forgive me, Lord!

As the time came to pray again, I asked Him if He had any other barriers to reveal to me. Add to the list if You must, Lord. But this time was different. As I prayed He reminded me of something that I read Monday morning when doing my Bible study homework. In it they spoke of Rahab and said that she was a “woman of genuine belief in God”. I had told Him I wanted that kind of legacy. I want to be a woman of genuine faith!

How do I become that? I am made aware of the failings of my flesh. I have a Father who loves me enough to tell me the truth of myself. And I know now that I must die to my flesh if I wish to pick up my cross and follow Him. How do I become less prideful? I ask Him to humble me. How do I become less judgmental? I ask Him to show me people through His eyes. How do I become less self-righteous? I ask Him to show me my short comings. How do I become less insecure? I ask Him to tell me who I am.

We all fall short of the glory of God! (Romans 3:23) So here I am. I have fallen short. I am convicted. If I am to fulfill my God given purpose, I must be willing to lay down the pretense. To be authentic. To be real. I accept that I am an imperfect person. I thank God that He loves me enough to not leave me as this prideful, judgmental, self-righteous, insecure girl. I thank God that a prostitute was described in the Bible as a woman of “genuine belief”. So, here is my first step towards humility. My confession of my conviction. I strive now to be a woman of genuine faith.

I know in the social media driven world we live in today it’s easy to look perfect. It’s easy to make it look like you’ve got your life figured out and everything is wonderful. I used to do that. I used to do my best to make it look like my marriage, my children, my home…myself was perfect. But the truth is, my life is messy. My marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s being restored by the grace of God. My children aren’t perfect, but I love them so unconditionally. My home is a disaster area, but I have a home that’s filled with laughter and love. In short, I am a mess.

In an effort of transparency, Wednesday was a rough day. When trying to get ready for school my son can never seem to choose a pair of shoes on his own. He must ask me about 4 or 5 pairs and then as we’re trying to walk out the door I usually have to shout for him to pick one and put them on. As we were leaving, another child was whining about a toy. She had one in hand, but it apparently was not the one she wanted to take with her to “dance day out”. Eventually we made it out the door. When we got to dance, my youngest daughter had left her dance shoes at the house and was barefoot. My older daughter refused to go in to class and I had to drag her and then run out of the room. All this before 9 am. That afternoon after school had let out, my older two refused to listen to anything I said. I was on the verge of crying.

I know that I’m not the only mom who has felt this. Just the day before, I had a friend that had texted that she had been crying. We have a constant group chat going between myself and two of my closest friends. As we encouraged our friend, we reminded her that we’re there for her on those days. We reminded her that though we all live in different states now, she’s not alone. She’s in a community of friends of who are there to help lift her up and encourage her. I read through those messages the next day as I was now the one on the verge of tears. I was encouraged that I’m not alone when I go through the ups and downs of motherhood.

As I was thinking on how important a community is, I was reminded of when Moses had to keep his arms raised in battle. If his arms were raised, they would win. When they dropped, they would begin to lose. When Aaron and Hur saw Moses grow weary, they each came beside him and propped up his arms and they won the battle (Exodus 17). Who do you have to come beside you and hold you up when you grow weary? Do the people around you tell you to just give up or do they prop you up? Community is such an important part of life. To know that you are not alone. To know that you aren’t the only one that’s struggling.

When I stopped focusing on looking like the perfect family and decided to love my life as it is, I felt relieved. I felt like I could breathe again. But more than that, I allowed others to see my struggles. Only then did they know how to pray for me; how to be there for me. They knew then that whatever they struggled with in secret, they weren’t alone. I had a community where it was okay to be messy. It was okay to be broken, because I wasn’t the only one.

God doesn’t call us to be perfect. We never will be. I don’t have to look put together, because my God is still putting me together. He’s shaping and molding me as He wants. He wants to do the same with all of us. Clay can’t mold itself. It will just sit on the table, unformed and useless. But if we allow the Potter to sit and to mold us, we can become something beautiful and with purpose. Stop trying to build the perfect image and rather build yourself a community.

 

I love when one of my favorite artists finally comes out with new music. I had been counting down the days to Lauren Daigle’s new release. The day finally came. A week in I still hadn’t really made it past the second track. I had listened to the first two songs probably 100 times already. But the other day, with no kids in tow I turned the music up loud and I began to belt the lyrics. Yes, I was THAT person. As I was able to listen to the song without the noise of children, I began to tear up. When the chorus starts, she sings out that “I will send out an army to find you.” I think anyone who has been rescued by God can understand the sentiment of those words.

As a girl raised on Disney princess movies, I couldn’t help but think of Sleeping Beauty when I was crying. I thought of how valiantly the prince fought to save her. This beautiful girl that he had met for just a moment. He fell so madly in love with her that he fought through a forest of thorns and then braved a dragon just to wake her up with a kiss. How different would that movie had been if he had an army beside him!

I thought then of the parallels between Christ and that movie. You see, Aurora was born a princess and was promised to the prince from a neighboring kingdom. She was born to royalty but was blissfully unaware. The reason she was unaware was because a curse had been placed on her as a child. I thought how perfect that was to describe us as Christ followers. We are born to royalty but unaware. Our Father is a King and we are promised to the Prince as His bride. But a curse has befallen us. A curse that puts us into a deep sleep.

As the battle between prince Phillip and Maleficent begins, Aurora is asleep inside. She is completely unaware of what the prince is going through to reach her. How symbolic is it that the prince fights through thorns and a dragon to get to her? Just as Christ wore a crown of thorns to get to you. And with that, He defeated the serpent that cursed us! Just as she slept through the battle, so do we. We sleep peacefully in our bed not knowing what battle rages outside on our behalf. Our Prince is desperate to reach us! A beautiful image of His determination to get to the one that He loves.

The only difference between the movie and our Father the King is that He sends an army! Whether that be an army of angels or an army of men, He sends them. The battle is always raging, and He is always sending someone to rescue us so that we may be reunited with our Prince. The message is this: You are royalty. Stay away from the spinning wheel; don’t be fooled by the lies the one who cursed you will tell you. Know that your Prince has suffered the thorns and defeated the serpent! He is coming to claim you as His bride. And He doesn’t come alone. He brings with Him an army of angels. He will brave any battle to win you!