9 Years of Imperfection

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated 9 years of marriage. It has been 9 years of imperfection. 9 years of miscommunication. 9 years of selfishness. 9 years of struggle. 9 years of hardship and heartbreak. It is by the grace of God that we have made it this far.

I remember waking up very early one morning when we were living at my in-law’s house soon after we had moved to Louisiana. I remember getting my cup of coffee and walking down into the dark living room. I sat in the recliner with my Bible and my journal. I knew that God had promised to heal my marriage if I submitted to the God given authority of my husband. But things hadn’t changed. I cried that morning in the dark. I told God I couldn’t do it anymore. I was weary of trying to “fix” my marriage. I can still sense the relief I felt in that moment. That moment of quiet surrender to a Father who had been waiting for me to relinquish that burden.

Two weeks later, on an early Sunday morning in the same place where I had surrendered something happened and God broke our marriage. I was confused and hurt. I didn’t understand what God was doing. How could He do this when I had just surrendered to Him. In the coming days I would cry out to Him again and again. I felt empty and broken. I felt as though I had nothing left in me to give to my marriage. And with that I cried out that God would release me from it.

But God didn’t release me. I wanted so desperately to be done. Why would God allow this to happen? I did everything that He had told me to do. I had left everything and followed my husband as He had commanded me to do. I cried out asking Him “why?” Why is it happening? Why am I not released? All He would tell me is that this was not just happening to me, but for me as well. I didn’t know what that meant.

However, God is faithful and in our brokenness God soon began to put us back together. What had been shattered was starting to take the shape of something beautiful. He had to break what we had built to put us back together as He intended. Yes, these hard things were happening to me, but it was for my good that they were. God began to move in a very real way. Some changes were immediate, while others have taken time.

I read in a Bible study recently about the promised land. When God moved them out of the wilderness and into the promised land He told them where there was war, there will now be peace. Where there was conflict, there will now be resolution. I cling to that promise. We were in the wilderness for 8 years. God has now brought us to the promised land. And in our home where there was war, there is now peace. Where there was conflict, there is now resolution. I have hope for tomorrow because of this promise.

I thank God that He didn’t release me from my marriage and I’m glad everyday that I asked God first. I thought at the time it was the desire of my heart, but fortunately I have a Father who knows me better than I know myself. He knew the true desire of my heart was not to leave, but rather to have a successful marriage. I know now God didn’t release me, because He planned on giving that to me. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. 9 years of love. 9 years of joy. 9 years of learning. 9 years of compromise. 9 years of praying. But most importantly, 9 years of victory! They have been an imperfect 9 years, but it is a perfect imperfection!