Confession of My Conviction

Conviction. It’s a term that all Christians are familiar with. We throw it around casually as though it’s a small thing. Even the definition of the word makes it seem like a small matter. But to anyone that has felt the true crushing weight of it knows that it is no small thing.

Here I sit in the dark of my living room. Homework is done and kids are in bed. There’s laundry to be folded and dishes to be done, but I can’t seem to shake the weight enough to continue with the work. I spoke in the last post of transparency, so here it is: I’m convicted.

Our pastor this past Sunday issued a challenge to our church. That each member commit to pray 3 times a day for 3 minutes for God to reveal what barriers are in the way of us fulfilling our God given purpose. I accepted this challenge with great joy and ease. When Monday came around and it was time to pray, I was not prepared for what the Lord was going to show me. Barrier after barrier was revealed to me. I suppose in my naivety I thought it would be things I had placed as idols above Him. My family, tv, phone, friends, etc. I wasn’t prepared for was what He had to show me.

Pride. Judgmental. Self-Righteous. Insecure. These are not words that one would like to use to describe oneself but none the less, there they are. It’s not as though I can argue against them either. Just last night I acted in a way that boasted myself and judged another. I acted self-righteous. I couldn’t say that I had not. As the flood of conviction rushed over me, I felt flustered. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Forgive me, Lord!

As the time came to pray again, I asked Him if He had any other barriers to reveal to me. Add to the list if You must, Lord. But this time was different. As I prayed He reminded me of something that I read Monday morning when doing my Bible study homework. In it they spoke of Rahab and said that she was a “woman of genuine belief in God”. I had told Him I wanted that kind of legacy. I want to be a woman of genuine faith!

How do I become that? I am made aware of the failings of my flesh. I have a Father who loves me enough to tell me the truth of myself. And I know now that I must die to my flesh if I wish to pick up my cross and follow Him. How do I become less prideful? I ask Him to humble me. How do I become less judgmental? I ask Him to show me people through His eyes. How do I become less self-righteous? I ask Him to show me my short comings. How do I become less insecure? I ask Him to tell me who I am.

We all fall short of the glory of God! (Romans 3:23) So here I am. I have fallen short. I am convicted. If I am to fulfill my God given purpose, I must be willing to lay down the pretense. To be authentic. To be real. I accept that I am an imperfect person. I thank God that He loves me enough to not leave me as this prideful, judgmental, self-righteous, insecure girl. I thank God that a prostitute was described in the Bible as a woman of “genuine belief”. So, here is my first step towards humility. My confession of my conviction. I strive now to be a woman of genuine faith.